Letter to someone I once looked up to

Dear Someone I once looked up to (and/or an institution in general):

I should have followed my gut feelings and not talked to you. Certain people told me that it would “be the right thing to do”, but looking back, it really was not. I knew how you would handle it if we talked and I was proven right. It’s been eight months since we interacted, and while this letter may seem directed towards you specifically, I never really knew you, but I know well the institution we both were involved in, and the expectations it heaped upon you. This letter is written for you but also towards the institution that entrapped us emotionally. All of this has been bubbling in my brain and heart for a while, and so I thought it be time to write this out as I begin my 30’s.

Yes, I did look up to you once. Your words brought me a lot of comfort and hope, and you were very entertaining to watch and listen to, in person and online where messages were recorded. There is a part of me that is still quite thankful for that and I think always will be. I noticed, however, that my favorite points of yours at the time had to do with really shameful messages – messages that were targeted at how inherently horrible and wicked my human nature was. Little did I know that my love for those points came from my own self-hatred and low self-worth, and nothing from Jesus the Living Word.

The first lie I believed was from someone higher up who said that you would be “open to discussion”, and that you had long, theological discussion with people in your social circles. Bullshit. I gave you a one-two minute explanation about why and how my beliefs were changing, and you shut down the conversation with “You’re wrong”. That does not reflect a person who is “open to discussion”. I already had a gut feeling you would respond like this, so I did not even bother explaining myself, as I knew that energy would be wasted. Our total conversation did not last longer than five minutes, and most of it was you blabbering on about why you thought I was “wrong”. I received no curiosity, no empathy, and no desire for understanding from you. Just subtle attacking and gaslighting.

Secondly, you mentioned that if what I now believe were true, then everything you teach would fall apart. And yes, it would, and it actually DOES fall apart. I have been grateful to find many voices and authors who have spearheaded conversations and research in what I now believe, which has actually always been the orthodox way to believe. These voices I follow now still have an infinite amount of topics to discuss and teach that are a complete 180 from what I used to believe and what you still believe – it’s not like there isn’t anything to talk or teach about anymore. I let my beliefs fall apart because if a belief system even has the potential to fall apart, then it’s worth questioning if its foundations were solid to begin with. I refuse to follow a frail God concept. I and many other people have let these old ideas fall apart, only to find more beautiful ways to still be grounded in the same faith and teachings of Jesus.

Lastly, your parting words were that I “really read my Bible”. My goodness. There was so much arrogance and pompousness in how you “recommended” this to me. As in my first point, I did not want to waste my energy explaining myself while with you – you were not even in a mental nor emotional place to listen and were intentional on misunderstanding me. Plus you do not even know me. The one person I was most comfortable talking with likely disagreed with me, but they knew that God was leading me on a journey to be like and truly discover Him more – and of course you could not do the same because you were not in relationship with me in any way. But since I have the liberty of writing this letter, I will explain myself a bit now. Yes, I only started my ‘walk’ with Christ in 2019, but it was life-changing. I became obsessed with the Bible, grabbing and purchasing various versions /translations to understand all the historical, social, cultural, geographic, and linguistic footnotes as possible. I would read for hours in the morning and hours at night. I had dozens of psalms memorized, even whole chapters in the Bible memorized. My ESV and NIV translations are filled with notes. To this day, I still read a study Bible almost on a daily basis to start my day, along with commentary from another pocket Bible I have. I still have favorite authors and voices that I listen to that do deep exegesis of chunks of scripture, and I am signed up for a theological retreat later this month. How dare you say that I don’t read my Bible. I think you meant to say, “I need you to read your Bible like I do and interpret things the way I do so that I do not feel threatened because apparently my belief system can easily fall apart”.

I wish all this was not how the conversation went, so I still grieve it. My body definitely showed signs of depression for a couple of months after leaving, but I knew going back to this institution that you are with and that I once heavily identified with was not somewhere the Spirit was inviting me back to anymore. Thankfully, God has led me to other people and while getting to know others feels slow for now, I am a lot more at peace than I was eight months ago.

If I could re-do my parting words to you – instead of a what I actually said which was probably said out of courtesy/politeness – it would be that people heal when they know they are good. People don’t heal if we tell them that they are inherently evil. If that is the case, then yes, everything about sin, the incarnation, the cross, the resurrection, the afterlife, and the very scriptures themselves would all domino effect into having different meanings – which they do. We cannot shame people into healing and we cannot free people by shaming them. When we join them in their struggle, that is how we all become free and are able to experience and embody God – and isn’t that what Jesus did?