Will be vehemently surprised if you read this

I don’t expect us to be close, I gave up this idea a decade ago. And that is okay – I know we are very different people with different lifestyles, different values, different ways of thinking, different ways of expressing ourselves, different goals in life, etc… All of that is okay and good.

We are also different in the way we have responded to our different childhoods. We are different in our affect regulation, social values, and coping skills. To a degree, that is okay, too.

What is not okay is intentionally and blatantly insulting, criticizing, gaslighting, dismissing, and belittling people in contemptuous, disrespectful ways. I personally have successfully blocked out all people who have treated me as such, but I cannot entirely with you…

…yet nor do I want to. I see your self-hatred and self-shame underneath all your words, and to a degree, I understand where it comes from, but I also know pulling back the curtain does not do anything. This never had to do with any material thing or conversation in and of itself – it had everything to do with how you have been treating me.

I am so grateful I married one of the most caring, empathetic, and kindest people ever – and this includes his family. I continue to be touched by their warmth and love. It has taken a lot of self-searching and self-compassion to allow myself to receive all that I have now in terms of a marriage and in-laws. I am also grateful that I will not be alone in drawing boundaries with you because of this new family I have gained.

You don’t have the self-compassion or stillness to empathize why some things seem like a big deal to others but not to yourself. If something someone does not make sense to you, obviously you’re not the issue, others are. This way of thinking is not your fault, however, it is your responsibility.

To protect myself from further hurt and honestly verbal mistreatment, I am making it much more difficult for you to reach out to me. I doubt you will ask for a full explanation because you claim to not care much about anything. This way perhaps you will be more considerate about the way you speak – or maybe you won’t speak to me at all, which I have come to accept as well. Boundary work is grief work, after all.