the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

Things I have been learning about Yahweh, people, the world, and myself:

Yahweh:

• There was a verse in Proverbs that caught my eye in my Orthodox Study Bible, Proverbs 16:1, “All the works of the humble are evident before the LORD But the ungodly will be destroyed in the evil day”. 2 things stood out to me. The first is that this quote seems to equate being godly as having humility, and I think that is extremely important for us to know as followers of Jesus, especially during the moments when we do not want to feel humble and want to maintain our pride or some image. One of my favorite definitions of humility is seeing ourselves accurately. It does not mean seeing ourselves as lesser than (or more than), it means seeing ourselves as we truly are. Another thing that stands out to me is the word ‘destroy’. I have still been exploring atonement theories for a bit, and I have heard of some people saying that the most merciful thing God could do to evil is to annihilate it completely (hence, not ‘hell’). I personally have yet to think about this, but I think something intriguing is that there are actually a handful of times in scripture where evil is ‘destroyed’, not ‘sent to to hell’.
• Another verse that has stood out to me is Proverbs 16:3, just a few verses after, which says, “The beginning of a good way is to do righteous things, and this is more acceptable to God than to offer sacrifices”. This verse reminds me so much of the book of Hosea, where God says “I desire mercy, not sacrifice”. This kind of implies that mercy is not sacrifice – mercy is something that is ‘in process’ while sacrifice is something that has already been done. God desires us to live a righteous life, not just simply offer sacrifices by going to church and tithing (not saying that those are not good, just that THAT cannot be all that it is to follow Jesus).
• Something God has been showing me is that the things that bring me closer to him, and thus to beauty and life, isn’t always what is ‘textbook Christian’. For example, instead of forcing myself to listen to worship music in the morning (I do genuinely enjoy listening to certain kinds of Christian music in the morning, don’t get me wrong), sometimes it is listening to a song that little Tiffany would have been touched and rejoiced by from a family movie.
• Even as my religious beliefs have slightly changed (basically from Protestantism to Eastern Orthodox), I find I have still really loved some modern prayers that I have learned. One in particular is the Serenity Prayer made famous by Alcoholics Anonymous. It is such a good guide in life for small and big things, and has helped me through incredibly difficult moments, so much so that I have memorized it by heart:
  
  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
  The courage to change the things I can
  And the wisdom to know the difference
  Living one day at a time
  Enjoying one moment at a time
  Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
  Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is
  Not as I would have it
  Trusting that You will make all things right
  If I surrender to Your will
  That I may be reasonably happy in this life
  And supremely happy with You forever in the next

People:

• Liam Payne, a young singer who was once part of the boyband One Direction passed away last week. He’s my age, and there’s been some speculation that he committed suicide, al though it has not yet been confirmed yet. I was indifferent to him and One Direction, but I heard of his name a lot and actually knew of how the boyband came to be. So, about over a decade later, it is shocking and sad to hear this news. Even though the suicide has not be confirmed, something I’m being reminded about is to be kind even and especially when I do not feel like it. We never ever really know what somebody is going through.
• Since coming back from Hawai’i, I have been wanting to watch and listen to some Moana (which I learned means ‘ocean’). I have re-watched it and it’s been really cool to see the behind the scenes stuff. As much as Disney gets a bad rep, I know a lot of us still love their films and soundtracks. I particularly appreciated how Disney really took the time and effort to do a lot of research on Polynesian culture (albeit imperfectly in some aspects), and how, for the main characters, to cast people with some trace of Polynesian descent. It’s really cool to know that representation is there as a fellow AAPI !

The world:

• When arriving to Hawai’i, I had thought that the interesting shapes of the mountains on O’ahu were due to however the earth moved there. However, I learned that the shapes of the mountains are due to lava flow from a long time ago, and that many of the mountains in Hawai’i are the tops of volcanoes. I had always learned about Hawai’i being made from islands, but it is especially surreal to see it in person. Those are some terrifyingly big volcanoes ! I learned also that although Mt Everest is the highest mountain to go above sea, the Hawaiian islands have the biggest island in the world (from base to tip). If you go into satellite view on Google, you can actually see each island as the top of an enormous mountain range descending into the sea:

Myself

• I can’t remember entirely who I was talking to about this, but I was chatting about my academic career with someone. I am currently in the process of obtaining my master’s degree in mental health counseling, but I actually already have two degrees. I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in speech therapy. Maybe I will write a blog on the story one day, but long story short, I figured out that speech therapy was not for me. In one of my last clinic classes for my speech therapy grad program, towards the very end of the program, one of the instructors actually pulled me aside and said she was worried about me being a good speech therapist because I was so ‘quiet’, but then saw how good I was with clients and then asked if it was tiring for me. I told her yes, I very much do feel like I’m acting, even if I could work well with clients and their families. I told her that part way through the program, I knew it was not for me, but I wanted to finish it. That was the realest conversation I think I had with her, and allowed us to part ways nicely.
  
  So I shared this story with someone not too long ago and then they responded with something along the lines of what made me a questionable speech therapist makes me a good mental health therapist. In other words, what may have disqualified me in speech therapy qualifies me and shows my potential for being a mental health therapist. To be honest, I do not think anyone is very quiet. People may show up to be more reserved or silent, but people are always thinking, or people genuinely don’t think or feel like there is anything to say. All in all, it was an encouraging thing to hear, especially as I continue to have insecurities of being able to be a good counselor while being fascinated by the topics I learn about and wanting to genuinely help people.
• Lately I have been trying to remind myself that with regards to my schedule, less is more. It’s tempting to want to fill up my life with things but it is actually more healing to not have so much going on in my life right now
• There’s this new song released by one of the Taiwanese artists I listen to and there is a line in the chorus that I feel like resonates with my past that goes “你沒有錯 只是那不是愛” (translation: “you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that that was not love”). As I have continued to learn more about love, codependency, and attachment, it kind of makes me reflect on my past and the painful journey I had to take to really understand and feel what love is (which is all worth it since I am married to someone amazing now). The people that I once interacted with and attempted to have relationships with – none of that was really love. I will say that those interactions were maybe trying to be, but in all honesty they were just infatuation mixed with attachment at best. Hearing that line of the chorus really helps puts into words the perspective that I am able to have now.

This was quite a lot reflections post, so thank you for reading this far if you have !