the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

So, I made a reflections post but accidentally got it mixed up with another draft and deleted it, so here I am starting from scratch, sadly…

Things I have been learning about Yahweh:

• This is something that stood out to me in my Orthodox Study Bible in Proverbs 19:7 which says: “He who gains discernment loves himself, And he who guards discernment will find good things”. I appreciate the commentary of this verse as well, which says, “There is a proper love of oneself. It is to love one’s good nature and the virtues implanted in it by Wisdom. He who loves himself in this way will also love the Wisdom who created him. From Wisdom, he will increasingly gain more discernment about himself and find good things implanted there.” I appreciate this verse and commentary because self-love has been villainized by the western church. Part of loving God is really taking the time to know ourselves and to love ourselves as God loves us. We cannot separate knowing God from knowing ourselves and loving God from loving ourselves. God ingeniously designed us – our bodies and souls – with His goodness, and so it makes sense that the more we grow in this love, the more we will find good things, some of which are the deep wisdom that he’s planted in us.
• One of my favorite ways of thinking about the word “righteous” has to do with “right relationship”, such as doing right by others and doing right by God, and doing our best to try to be in right relationship with those around us. God knows that our vertical relationship with Him is not severed from our horizontal relationships with our fellow human beings. Even Proverbs 21:3 says so: “To do righteous things and to speak the truth are more pleasing before God than the blood of sacrifices.”
• In our sermon last Sunday, our pastor briefly went over the following passage in scripture from Matthew 5:43-48: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect”
  
  The pastor continued on to say that one of the rare instances in which scripture calls us to ‘perfection’ is in the realm of loving others well (I put perfection in quotes because other translations say something else, such as ‘completion). It’s almost as if God really cares about love and has a high standard of it. And this is not to say that we are punished for not loving well at all neither, for that isn’t love as well. Loving is always a conscious and genuine moving towards another in relationship, which is a simple idea but also not an easy one.

Things I have been learning about people:

• I went to an event recently where I felt quite humbled about my assumptions about people connecting. Maybe it’s the headspace where I’m in life right now, but basically, I had the assumption that a certain group of people did not want to connect but they really did and they actually intentionally do. It was a humbling reminder to continue to think the best of people when interacting in person and even when it’s hard.
• Since returning from Hawai’i, I have been listening a lot to the Moana soundtrack. In one of the songs, there is a part where she sings, “If I play along I’ll be satisfied but the voice inside sings a different song – What is wrong with me?” And I feel like this lyric is so telling of shame. In her village, the norm is to be comfortable on the island, and so the fact that does she not feel called to always stay on the island makes her feel like something is wrong with her. Also, we learn that a lot of the staying-on-the-island mentality is due largely in part to the fear, guilt, and grief of her father (which are all reasonable things for the father to have given his past experience). Yet while it makes sense as a father figure and chief, at the same time, because of his own negative emotions, Moana thinks that she is the problem, when really it is her father’s unprocessed emotions being projected onto her that is the problem. That all to say, I feel like this is really indicative of human relationships is general. Sometimes, just because everyone else feels called to live their life a certain way doesn’t mean those who don’t feel called have issues. And sometimes, the way things are have more to do with other people’s fear, guilt, and grief than with us personally.
• I found out that Tubi is free with ads and started watching a bit of Kitchen Nightmares (since the pandemic, I’ve noticed I really liked watching cooking/food-related shows). I thought the show was all about Gordon Ramsey criticizing a bunch of restaurants all over the world. While he does do that in his very trademark Gordon Ramsey style (a.k.a. rude, mean, and disrespectful), he is also genuinely trying to help. He helps connect restaurants back to their communities, he helps with kitchen organization, he helps with the food quality, and he even has a team remodel some restaurants. At the end of each video, it really looks like a happy ending for these places.
  
  However, upon doing further research, I learned that almost two-thirds (and maybe even more than that) of the restaurants he stopped at did not even remain open when the show episode aired, or even within a year. I found that very baffling because having Gordon Ramsey come to your restaurant is like free restaurant management consulting. But one of the reasons I found out that many of the restaurants closed is because many were struggling financially. Without more hand holding and better financial management, it is difficult to go from struggling financially to all of a sudden having a lot of success. It kind of reminds me of celebrities who suddenly are paid a lot, or people who win the lottery without seeking some kind of financial advising. It’s too much to be responsible for and if we already are having issues managing a smaller amount of funds, it is going to be even trickier managing a larger amount of funds.
• Also the election happened and the person I did not vote for did not win. I’m disappointed but honestly not surprised. Only recently in US history has the government admitted to things like colonizing and throwing over the Hawai’i kingdom, and only within recent history have Americans been realizing more the damage of Jim Crow laws (with many Americans still wishing they were in place). As much as a good chunk of us are hopeful that America can become more diverse in many aspects, more compassionate, the reality is that most of America is not ready for that. I voted for Kamala but I did not think she would win. If America had to choose between a white man (regardless of his track record) and a colored woman for president, they’re totally choosing a white man because it’s more comforting and a bigger chunk of the population feel more seen that way. In that sense, I wish the democratic party would have chosen another white man to go up against Trump after Biden stepped down, but where we are where we are. The good news is that Trump can’t run again. This is all I will say for now.

Things I have been learning about the world:

• My family and I will occasionally tease JJ about how picky of an eater he is. And while I personally may still tease him, I’m curious about his body knowing what is healthier for him. We tend to call him picky when he doesn’t want to eat the food in treat or kibble form that we give him – he mainly wants real meat. And the real meat is probably a lot healthier because it’s not been processed the way his other food has. JJ does not always know what he’s doing all of the time, but I think at least with regards to something as big as food, he may be on to something !

Things I have been learning about myself:

• I recently learned, in my trauma counseling class, that with regards to mindful breathing, I have been doing it wrong ! Our teacher shared that as babies, we all start with diaphragmatic breathing. As the phrasing suggests, it means breathing more using our diaphragm and thus helping to pull more air in. And actually, it is also a really relaxing way to breathe ! I have tried using it and then focusing on it to help me fall asleep and it works so well… it did not work well before because apparently, like many adults, I had been doing more ‘chest breathing’, so exerting more on my lungs to draw air in and actually makes my breath shallower and actually can make people less stressed ! So this has been really fascinating to learn about and actually apply.
• Something that I would love to try and do more often and practice is still be as respectful as possible when I feel irritated. Granted, I don’t get mean, but I do get short and I start talking more “professional”, which can be helpful at times maybe, since I’m trying to distance myself emotionally. But I think I would feel less regret if I could change this part of myself, and also it is in line with my values that everyone is worthy of respect.