the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

This post will be a bit of a longer one, as I was continually adding to it over the past three weeks !

Things I have been learning about Yahweh:

• I came across this verse in Ecclesiastes that says, “Who knows the spirit of the sons of men, whether it goes upward, and the spirit of the animal, whether it goes downward to the earth?” This verse is not explicitly saying that human spirits go to heaven and animal ones don’t it’s saying that nobody knows what happens with their spirits. It reminds me of when Peter asked Jesus about whether another disciple will live forever, and Jesus basically said that it isn’t Peter’s business to know. Consequently, people thought that that disciple would live forever when Jesus never explicitly stated that. I don’t have any biblical evidence, but with how God permeates himself and his spirit throughout all of nature, there is a part of me that doesn’t think that the spirits of animals just disappear.

Things I have been learning about others:

• I found out that you can watch Hallmark Christmas films for free (with ads) on freevee, so I have been having them play in the background in the house while I’ve been doing other things (or Jacob and I will simply sit down and watch them). Yes they can be cheesy and predictable, but at the same time, they are all about Christmas and they are also feel-good films, which are the kind of films I enjoy watching. There is one film I’ve been thinking about from the Hallmark channel called “Finding Father Christmas”. It’s about a girl whose mother passed away and never told her about her father. She eventually finds a photo of her father dressed up as Santa, and there is a city on the back of the photograph. I won’t spoil it here, but this film made me think about the importance of belonging, no matter what age we are at. Even if we want to live in solitude, we were wired to want to belong, regardless of what that may end up looking like.

Things I have been learning about the world:

• This reflection could also go in the “others” section as well, but as I’ve been reviewing my languages more intensely again due to the semester ending (French and Mandarin), I’ve been reminded that learning languages is not so much learning words as it is learning and translating ideas.

Things I have been learning about myself:

• I already think that Celtic music is already very magical sounding, so it has felt even more magical that Celtic Christmas music exists ! Jacob took me to an intimate Celtic Christmas concert and it felt so unreal and beautiful.
• My therapist this month pointed out a virtue of mine that tips very easily into a vice, and it has to do with management of finances. I grew up with a rigid structure of finances to the point of a scarcity mindset, and I never experienced a healthier way of thinking about it. I should have asked her for resources, which I might do during my next session, but for the time being, I may have to scope out some resources by myself.
• So I have started this new baking hobby of mine ! And it is really testing my patience. I tried making this Japanese milk bread and it took me 3 tries to try and make it as similar to Japanese milk bread that I have tried before. It’s still not perfect, but by the 3rd try I had realized that I needed to wait longer for the yeast to do its magic. The Japanese milk bread itself was especially tiring as I do not have a bread kneading machine. If I were to try again, I would need to look up a no-knead recipe.
• I have finally finished reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “The Cost of Discipleship”. It’s taken me 5+ years to read, and some parts were good while other parts were confusing. It’s interesting that I still have somewhat the same opinion of this book before and after some of my core beliefs of about Christianity and God changed. In any case, I decided to reread a book I had to read for graduate school as my daily devotional – “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer. This book is simply astonishing and lovely and while I have read some of his other works, I have not read the vast majority of it and would really love to ! It’s definitely one of those books that would make any enneagram 4’s heart leap at almost every paragraph. In any case, I wanted to reflect on some of the quotes in my rereading:

“Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process, we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are.” –> I think this quote stands out to me because we think that some of the deepest, most vulnerable parts of ourselves are ‘dark’, when in fact, they are not. I truly think the “dark” part of ourselves are parts that were likely shamed, and did not receive the love, acceptance, and belonging that we deserve. It then becomes scary to apologize, or to ask for relationally vulnerable things. On a greater societal level, it becomes disapproving to express or acknowledge negative emotions, as some view those as the ‘dark side’ of themselves as well. When we try to brush aside this truth – and that this is a feature and not a bug of how God made us – we really end up living a lie. We end up living in a false reality for ourselves and also living a false reality to others. Healing becomes tricking because in order to heal, we need to be honest to ourselves and others – and I know that’s easier said that done. That all said, it also makes me think of where I’m not being fully myself. I confess that I am still in a bit of a protective mode in certain circles of community of mine. I know my beliefs have changed quite drastically from what I used to believe for the majority of my life, and I know that some find it threatening, and so I keep it on the down low more as a boundary for now, and do my best to find the common ground that is still available. I am grateful, however, to still have other outlets and circles of people I can really connect to with regards to how my beliefs have changed – it truly is a blessing. And so with regards to this ‘integrity’ of who we really are – I believe it comes down to trusting ourselves as trusting God who dwells within ourselves, as He works in as many diverse ways as there are people.

“I yearn to be whole, but dividedness often seems the easier choice. A ‘still, small voice’ speaks the truth about me, my work, or the world. I hear it and yet act as if I did not. I withhold a personal gift that might serve a good end or commit myself to a project that I do not really believe in. I keep silent on an issue I should address or actively break faith with one of my own convictions. I deny my inner darkness, giving it more power over me, or I project it onto other people, creating ‘enemies’ where none exist.” –> My religious upbringing causes me to think of the Genesis story, about how Adam and Eve found it easier to hide. I won’t make a judgment call about that here, but what I will say is that since the dawn of human civilization, hiding relationally has typically been the simpler route to survival – especially depending on the culture one has grown up in ! In any case, this quote causes me to think of what inner darkness I may still be denying, eventually causing me to create “enemies” where they don’t exist. The only place I can really think of “enemies” are more so people who make me their enemies – namely speaking people who do not want people of color to live in the US, even though realistically we are just as American as them. It is never easy to have people tell you to leave when this land is all you’ve really known. In any case, I can only really control myself, and I think part of my personal reception of seeing such people as “enemies” are the parts of myself that I reject. I think I’ve gone a long way in healing and accepting myself, but I acknowledge also that there are still parts of myself that I need to be embracing and loving more.

“I pay a steep price when I live a divided life – feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own selfhood. The people around me pay a price as well, for now they walk on ground made unstable by my dividedness. How can I affirm another’s identity when I deny my own? How can I trust another’s integrity when I defy my own? A fault line runs down the middle of my life, and whenever it cracks open – divorcing my words and actions from the truth I hold within – things around me get shaky and start to fall apart.” –> The part that really stands out to me from this is when he asks “How can I trust another’s integrity when I defy my own?” There is incredible value in things like gut-instinct, and honoring what I feel. Yes there are people who will lie and/or people that may know know themselves well to relate well, but I believe that healed people heal people by having truth draw out truth. I also feel like Palmer describes this sensation hauntingly accurately: ‘I pay a steep price when I live a divided life – feeling fraudulent, anxious about being found out, and depressed by the fact that I am denying my own selfhood’. It makes me think of the times when I feel anxious about not wanting to compromise/cave in to people pleasing, while also feeling terrible for not standing up for myself when I should with regards to certain relationships in my life. It’s a very contradicting feeling and an incredibly stress-inducing one. I think one way I can make this part of myself less divided is to learn small ways to follow through for myself and also stand up for myself in small ways as well.

“Wholeness does not mean perfection; it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. Knowing this gives me hope that human wholeness – mine, yours, ours – need not be a utopian dream, if we can use devastation as a seedbed for new life.” –> This is such a beautiful explanation for what ‘wholeness’ means. I can’t help but think of Jesus bringing this to humanity, and Jesus also living a life of wholeness – sinless yes but not one that was not untouched by imperfection. He had family members that initially did not want to have anything to do with him, followers who betrayed him, and people who rejected and mocked him; yet he accepted that as part of his life, fixing it with love and with his sacrificial love (FOR us, NOT instead of us) that was that ‘devastation as a seedbed for new life’. For me personally, this explanation as wholeness not as perfection but an embracing of brokenness as an integral part of life is such a good reminder that wholeness requires grieving, as brokenness involves grieving. To be whole, one has to grieve.

“And the closer we get to adulthood, the more we stifle the imagination that journey requires. Why? Because imagining other possibilities for our lives would remind us of the painful gab between who we most truly are and the role we play in the so-called real world.” –> I think this quote stood out to me because of how much it reminds me that as we become older, we become more afraid. Granted, a good chunk of that fear is healthy fear, but a lot of it is also conditioned. I’m not sure how to be discerning or acting contrary to this fear a majority of the time, but I think a good first step would be to first recognize it.

“A doctor who invests selfhood in his or her practice is a better healer than one who treats patients at arm’s length” –> This sentence stands out to me as I am continuing my counseling master’s degree journey. If I am not taking care of myself and being true and compassionate to myself – and if all that feels overwhelming to myself, it will feel even more so to the people I will eventually work with. It is a humbling reminder.

“The divided life is a wounded life, and the soul keeps calling us to heal the wound. Ignore that call, and we find ourselves trying to numb our pain with an anesthetic of choice, be it substance abuse, overwork, consumerism, or mindless media noise. Such anesthetics are easy to come by in a society that wants to keep us divided and unaware of our pain – for the divided life that is pathological for individuals can serve social systems well, especially when it comes to those functions that are morally dubious.” —> I can’t help but think how this description of the divided life underlines the harm that capitalism can bring, and it’s even more harmful how capitalism and individualism are strongly paired together. I think it’s also very powerful to say that the divided life is also a wounded one, and it is a humbling reminder for my relationship with myself and others.

This text is actually a quote from the poet Rilke where he writes: “Take your practiced powers and stretch them out until they span the chasm between two contradictions… For the god wants to know himself in you.” —> This quote just reminds me of a time when I used to believe that it was not wise to trust myself, and how contradictory that was to the Scriptures. If we are meant to be God’s living temples, then God lives within us – and so we are supposed to be trusting and listening to a part of us. This doesn’t mean that we don’t need other people though, however, as I will share in the next quote…

“The only guidance we can get on the inner journey comes through relationships in which others help us discern our leadings… a circle of trust holds us in a space where we can make our own discernments, in our own way and time, in the encouraging and challenging presence of other people.” –> This is actually a quote of two sentences close to one another that I just mashed together. It reminds me that although our life leadings come from within us, we still need the challenging and encouraging voices of others to help us discern. It does not mean that we cannot trust ourselves all the time, but community can really help discern the roots and motives of the life leadings we share about.

“…we all have an inner teacher whose guidance is more reliable than anything we can get from a doctrine, ideology, collective belief system, institution, or leader.” –> Although this quote may more likely be talking about spiritual matters, I also can’t help but think of this quote from a trauma-informed lens. I recently was looking through a huge book on the anatomy of the body, and it was incredibly comprehensive. The thing is, the body has been masterfully designed, and it knows what its doing. Gut instinct is valuable, and we know deep down in our bones what aligns and contradicts with our values, even further down into the neurological level.

“…they created a communal space around him where he could distinguish the inner voice of truth from the inner voice of fear. And as he spoke the truth he heard from within, these people bore witness to his self-discovery, sharpening his sense of self and strengthening his resolve to follow the inner teacher.” –> Out of all the verses shared in this post, this one stands out to me the most. Especially in terms of my academic studies (and thus future career endeavors), it has been difficult to discern what parts of me are speaking from fear, and which are speaking from love and possibility. I also am about to start this 5-month fellowship with about 7-8 other believers. This will be a while since I’ve joined a small group, and I’m very much looking forward to it. It feels more academic, but I would hope it can be a small group where maybe at some moments, we can all help discern things for one another.

Thanks for reading if you have !