the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

The next handful of questions are going to be good ones. Today’s question from Onsite is “What does your family of origin look like? What figures were most present in your life?”

My family of origin is my biological, nuclear family. It included my parents and my younger sister. My parents divorced when I was 6 or 7, and so I mostly lived with my mother growing up. Sometimes my father would have a house or rent other places and while in between those moves, he would stay with us, so that was very confusing. More frequently than not, my sister and I also have not gotten along. I know, looking back, at least during our childhood and teenage years, a lot of that is on the fault of my parents’ (with whatever they knew of parenting). Unfortunately, we still do not get along and to be honest, if I could distance myself completely from her I would because she is the only person I know who talks to and treats me the way she does – I’ve been able to successfully leave relationships/friendships as such and develop healthier ones. Consequently, I have quite the strictest boundaries with her. My mother has passed away, and so with her gone, there’s more spending time with my father and sometimes his side of the family. Parts of my dad still hasn’t changed, so I also have boundaries with him as well, but my overall relationship with him has been better as an adult.

Long story short, my family of origin was a very dysfunctional one. There was physical and verbal abuse, bullying, and constantly walking on eggshells. I dreaded going home often, and I had general feelings of contempt toward my parents growing up, while strangley and twistingly still wanting to please them. There were a handful of traumatic moments, and it’s honestly because of how I grew up that I got into counseling.

In any case, the second part of the question asks what figures were most present in your life. Sadly, I don’t think I had many. There weren’t really any teachers I could talk to, and my church was not a good place to connect with more mature people, either. My close friends were really the figures that were most present in my life, and one of my childhood friend’s father was a rare caring figure in my life for a period of time. As I’ve gotten older, I eventually found ‘present figures’ in mentors, pastors, and/or therapists.

Thanks for reading.