the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

Even though the past couple of times I went to Taiwan had to do with my late mother, I would probably say that this trip to Taiwan has been my most life-changing one yet. I think a lot of grief related to my mother came up, but also some other things to grieve needed to come up during this trip, and so it did:

For a little over the past decade, I had grown to hate my culture and heritage. After all, Taiwanese culture has been rated as the most self-critical culture in the world because of its foundation in Confucius teachings. There are also some more personal reasons why this Taiwanese culture is one I had grown to hate, but another big reason that I can share was also the hatred and racism I received in Western countries. I thought that if only I didn’t look the way I did, if only my family wasn’t from the place where they were, then I would truly be accepted and feel like I belong. Thankfully, due to working with another 2nd generation Taiwanese-American therapist on racial trauma, participating in trauma therapy, learning about shame, dating someone someone who isn’t from my culture but respects and is curious about it, and joining a Christian community that truly celebrates diversity – all of this has slowly helped me begun to heal from this self- and intraracial-hatred.

A lot of the grief, I think, comes from slowly beginning to learn to love and appreciate my heritage and culture, but also very sad over the reality that I spent so much time of my life hating it and thus myself. Thankfully, there is no guilt nor shame over the time I feel like I wasted – I realize this is the journey that I needed to take for my self-love to manifest in this way. My prior obsession for my culture and heritage during my childhood and adolescent years was more based out of pride and shame – so when that was shamed and rejected, it was easy to drop it because I thought that was the thing wrong with me. The appreciation I have for it now I believe is now coming from a place of love and curiosity. A lot of knowing God also has to do with knowing myself and from where He had me come from, and so I believe honoring my heritage and culture, and learning to understand & be compassionate about the parts I don’t agree with or understand, is what will honor myself and God.

At one point during the trip, I felt grief because of how I disconnected I felt from my culture and people – due to my previous self-hatred of it. I didn’t always used to be so disconnected, and so during the trip, I felt hopelessly detached. However, eventually meeting with and connecting with other family members in Taipei helped this a lot, and I hope to continue maintaining contact as long as possible.

I think another part of the grief is realizing that Taiwan doesn’t feel the same without my mother, but at the same time, being there reminds me so much of her essence – the comfort of the Airbnb we stayed at, the food, the unexpected ease and comfort of speaking and listening to Taiwanese-accented Mandarin, the scenery, and more. I can’t fully explain it, and maybe there will come a time when I can explain it all well through writing, but I think it was very hard to go to Taiwan not for reasons pertaining to my mother, even if my previous trip was for her funeral.

Something I’ve been thinking about now that I am back in the states is how to be maintaining this connection to my culture and heritage country. Although I get by quite well with my Mandarin, I also still have a lot to improve. I think brushing up on my Mandarin would help a lot, and I feel grateful for my motivation and talent for learning languages, as my acquiring of French as a 3rd language has shown I have. I am thinking that what I did with France and the French culture, I can also do again with my mother language and culture (I also still want to make time for reviewing and learning French and also still visiting – so many dreams!). And what were those things I did with France and French culture? Practicing the language frequently (all modes – reading, writing, listening, speaking) almost daily, keeping up with news, keeping up with music, watching videos/films from the country, connecting with people who speak the language frequently, as well as visiting the country whenever I can. Through Instagram, I also found an online Taiwanese course for English speakers which is amazing ! I don’t know when I will have time to join, but I have the screenshot saved in my phone for the time being (my parents speak fluent Taiwanese but never taught it my sister nor me unfortunately).

I’ve also been thinking, in terms of identity and societal- & self-acceptance, being Taiwanese-American feels much harder than just being ‘Taiwanese’ or just being ‘American’. If I were just one or the other (and not a hyphenated one) – I’d maybe find it easier to be accepted or feel like I belong much more wholly to a group of people. But the interesting thing with the Taiwanese-American and Asian-American diaspora is that we are also creating our own identities, communities, and sense of belonging/acceptance, which I definitely don’t think is easy, but perhaps has rewards in its own ways.