the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

Reflections

Things I’ve been learning about Yahweh:

• So this first part might get slightly political. I usually vote a bit more progressive, but I had usually found it compelling when people with more conservative views expressed their concerns about having their money taxed to help the less privileged. While they believe it is important to help the less privileged, they don’t believe the government should be the ones taking their money to enforce that. For a while, that made sense to me, but also at the same time, it did not sit well with me. Then I came across this passage in Proverbs 31:9 that says “Open your mouth and judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and helpless”. I feel like there are other similar kinds of verses in scriptures, but the heart of God is to plead the cause of those less privileged – that is our calling as followers of Jesus to begin with. Plus, scriptures aside, as I ‘ve grown up, I’ve come to recognize the importance of being a society, and that comes with sacrifices that includes helping fellow humans out. I think it’s okay that people would not want to help others, but maybe they could reconsider what societies they would like to participate in (and/or not participate in), which is also okay.
• In my Orthodox Study Bible, I learned that in Luke 1:28, “highly favored” (Greek “charitou”) can also be translated “full of grace”. I thought this translation and definition would be interesting to reflect on. Growing up in the Christian circles I did, I always saw “highly favored” as a sort of badge, due to living in ways that pleased God. While Mary did indeed stand out to God with her life and heart, that was not what caused her to be labeled as “highly favored”. Her being highly favored has more to do with her being full of grace – and so as people who are temples of the Holy Spirit now, it should be convicting for us to think of if we are learning to grow in grace – truly experiencing God’s grace for us and consequently, having that grace for ourselves and for others (this is particularly a good reminder for myself as well)
• Matthew 2:11 ~ “And when they had come into the house, they saw the young Child with Mary His mother, and fell down and worshiped Him”. There was an incredibly interesting commentary for this verse in my Orthodox Study Bible that says: “Whereas the Jewish shepherds worshiped the Savior in the cave on the day He was born, the Gentile magi came to worship Him some time later. By then, Joseph and Mary had found a house in which to dwell”. This is such a huge difference from what I learned growing up – that Joseph, Mary, and Jesus continued to stay in a manger, whereas the Bible very evidently says that they actually found a house later. This is a relatively small difference to notice between church teachings and scriptures, but I think every small difference noticed is important.

Things I’ve been learning about the world:

• A while ago, I heard about things like microplastics, which sort of feels like when the world was just beginning to learn about germs and bacteria. I knew microplastics were something to be concerned about as they affect our health, but I did not want to be thinking too much about it, as it’s something that is unfortunately unavoidable. Through one of my favorite podcasts, I’ve been hearing more about them again – that coupled with certain health flare-ups, I decided to make a conscious decision to try to reduce the amount of microplastics I’m exposed to. Granted, the cause of my health flare-ups is not microplastics, but I’ve learned that they have the potential to make them worse. I can’t get rid of all the plastic things since this is the post-industrialist world we live in now, but I can make small changes – like switching out cookware, kitchen storage containers, being mindful of when I’m warming things up in the microwave, paying attention to the material of clothing I purchase and wear, using a steel bottle as much as possible, etc…

Things I’ve been learning about other people:

• As I continue in my program and continue learning about the relationships around me, I mainly need to remember how strong shame really drives our lives.

Things I’ve been learning about myself:

• This is for me and for others too, technically, but I recently started reading this book called “You can have a better period”. Long story short, in some ways my cycle has been getting healthier, but also in some ways it has become more difficult to deal with as other health things are coming up. I’ve been desperate a handful of moments this year where I’ve tried to fix my cycle – one of my biggest investments was subscribing to a Chinese herbal supplement which has helped a lot in terms of regulating the length of my cycle and reducing the frequency of pain, which I appreciate, but unfortunately not the intensity of it. I’ve also been grateful I’ve gone to great lengths in terms of appointments because I discovered that there is something that is wrong with me, which in this case, was a really enlightening thing to know. And me reading this book was also one of those desperate moments. In any case, one thing I appreciated was the comparison of the menstrual cycle to the 4 seasons ! I thought that was such a clever and even meaningful way to associate each of the four phases of the cycle to an inner summer, fall, winter, spring. Plus, it makes me approach my cycle with intentionality and groundedness to the rest of nature (as God made us to be !)
• I was thinking about whether this should be in the “Yahweh” section or this section, but I eventually decided on this one as there’s a lot of references to a film. I have had the fortune of being able to watch Wicked: Part 1 in theatres twice already. I won’t talk much about the film here, but I’ve been listening to the soundtrack on repeat lately and the lyrics of “Defying Gravity” have been standing out a lot to me, particularly the parts that Elpheba sings:
  
  “Something has changed within me
  Something is not the same
  I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game
  Too late for second-guessing
  Too late to go back to sleep
  It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap….
  I’m through accepting limits
  ‘Cause someone says they’re so
  Some things I cannot change, but ’til I try, I’ll never know
  Too long I’ve been afraid of
  Losing love I guess I’ve lost
  Well if that’s love it comes at much too high a cost”
  
  Firstly, I wonder what was going on in Stephen Schwartz’s mind when he was writing these genius lyrics because oh my goodness are these lyrics so applicable every time paradigms are broken. Personally, these lyrics remind me a lot of my faith journey. When I finally realized that original sin was a lie perpetuated by fundamentalist Christianity through God healing me, I was changed and I have not been the same. The lie of original sin being perpetuated in Christian circles are the rules of someone else’s game, which lead to people not trusting their own selves and bodies – entities that God made sacred. Consequently, many Christians spend too much time second guessing, asleep, and not trusting their instincts which God actually so geniusly crafted our bodies and minds to have.
  
  The fundamentalist Christianity is also extremely limiting, putting a cap on grace and shunning large groups of people from trying to participate in the kingdom of Jesus – and those limits were not limits that Jesus had. I remember when I was finally realizing with my heart and mind all of this, I actually tried to (mostly silently) work things out with my home church at the time (which I admit I do miss, it was great community and I also really grew as a person during my time there), only to be frustrated; I did this because I was afraid of the unknown. When I finally heard about and visited churches in the cities of Oakland and San Francisco, I knew I could finally leave my fundamentalist beliefs behind and be supported in my journey of discovering a more expansive God – as the love that fundamentalist Christians expressed is not really love and came at much too high a cost, as Elpheba shares.
  
• I used to think that when I wanted to cry, I thought the physical sensation first started from my upper chest/shoulder area. But I’m realizing just now that it actually starts from my stomach area. It makes me think about how the word “compassion” was used in scripture, that when Jesus had compassion, which sometimes is a sorrowful emotion at times, He was “moved in his bowels”.

Thanks for reading !