Reflections – 4/4/2025 – the heart as it is

Things I have been learning about Yahweh:

I have reached the Wisdom of Solomon in my Orthodox Study Bible. It is not a book I am familiar with at all since I did not grow up with it. However, it is important to the Christian tradition even though it may have already been common Jewish literature around Jesus’ time. The fact that the Bible Project encourages reading other books of the Bible, plus the fact that the Orthodox church still has this in their Bible is making me reflect on it as seriously as I would the canonized Bible I grew up with. In any case, here are some verses that have been standing out to me:

“For the least is pardoned in mercy, but the powerful shall be strongly examined. For the Master of all will not shrink back from anyone’s presence, nor respect greatness; because He Himself made both small and great, and cares for all alike.” Wisdom of Solomon 6:6-7 -> This is an interesting passage, because it implies that God’s judgment of people will actually vary, and the implication seems based on status. I also appreciate the part saying that God cares for all alike as well. While he cares for all equally, he is knowledgeable of who has more responsible/power, and this passage (to me at least) paints him in somewhat more of an equitable light.

“And incorruption brings one near to God. So desire for wisdom leads to a kingdom.” Wisdom of Solomon 6:19-20. -> A couple of things stand out to me here. One is that I believe that we are actually not born corrupt, just with certain programming to put it briefly. That programming can lead us into beautiful things and dysfunctional things alike. I am at a point where I don’t believe anyone is “far” from God, however, I do believe that people can distance themselves from who God designed their authentic selves to be (in conjunction with the Holy Spirit). That being said, it makes sense that as we become entangled with dysfunctional things, it is easy to become more “corrupt”. Covnersely, as we become more entangled with beautiful things, we discover and live more into our humanity, becoming closer to the sacredness that God intended us to be. Also, I appreciate how a kingdom here is drawn near to by a desire for wisdom, and does not have to do with seeking power for power’s sake (power is not inherently bad, it depends on what it is used for).

Things I have been learning about others:

Recently at work, I’ve been attending these training sessions for ‘difficult dialogues’, particularly in light of the recent political news and atmosphere. Something that really dawned on me is that the things that frighten me about this administration, this feeling of fear is a feeling that “the other side” felt during my administration of preference. There is a strong temptation to dismiss and compare/contrast, but I’m realizing it is not helpful to do so and cannot help but see that I am missing something (not that I need to agree with the other side, there is just some more understanding and learning I maybe need to do).
I am currently watching a Taiwanese drama called “Memory love”,《噗通噗通我愛你》, and (spoilers ahead) one of the main characters pretends to be the daughter of another man, even though she is truthfully an orphan. Something notable about this is that although her true identity is an orphan and this older man doesn’t know that she is not his real daughter, we slowly see her become empowered even as a fake daughter because she is slowly being known and loved. I just feel like that has a lot to say about human relationships.
A phrase that really stood out to me but from the above drama mentioned is 《有福同享，有難同當》. It means to experience happiness and adversity with one another. However, I really love the literal translation of this, as it translates to “When there are blessings, we enjoy it together. When there are difficulties, we burden it together”. It’s such a more descriptive and concise way of describing this concept, as well as a descriptive way of how to be in any kind of close relationship with another person.

Things I have been learning about the world:

So. I have learnt the hard way that cookie recipes that ask for regular flour need to have regular flour used with it ! And not whole wheat flour…

Things I have been learning about myself:

In one of my counseling classes, one of our units was on psychodrama, which was what my Onsite experience was on. I won’t recall the whole experience here, but essentially I was the one chosen to be one playing out things from my life. Towards the beginning of the semester, my professor noticed that some of us spoke more from the heart while others spoke more from the mind. Neither of those are bad, but part of therapy is to use both, and apparently I am the one who talks more from the mind. Especially with regards to family, I definitely speak more from the mind, as speaking from the heart and from emotions feels scary and vulnerable because of how they cannot hold those things of mine. I think I low-key knew about this in the way back of my mind, but that was really brought to the surface, as well as the recognition that there is still much to grieve with regards to my relationship to my family.
I am typing this particular part from Raleigh, North Carolina. I am here briefly for a wedding – someone that I was in the therapy group from Onsite invited all of us and although all of us don’t talk a ton anymore, a wedding is a big milestone and I wanted to celebrate that and also honor this person who was part of my healing process. In any case, the main thing I wanted to share was that I am staying at this AirBnb where the homeowners share this particular flag on their posting. I don’t know what it’s called but it usually is associated with showing support for the LGBTQ+ community. Although I am not a part of that community, as a woman of color, seeing that flag actually makes me feel a lot safer because it primarily shows that they are more open minded and do not shy from diversity. I’ve heard Raleigh is a more diverse place in general compared to other parts of North Carolina, so I’m glad I’m mainly staying around these parts.
Also, on one of the plane rides over here to Raleigh, I finally had the chance to watch Pixar’s Elemental. It was such a good film and I cried at many parts. Seeing Wade interact with Ember made me think about how growing up, I had a hard time understanding my feelings. It also made me realize that to understand and express your feelings courageously is sometimes an issue of privilege. In any case, I really love how Wade is very in tune with his feelings, and how that eventually rubs off on Ember. Especially with what’s happened in class this past week, it’s making me realize how important it is to slow down, check in with myself, and really converse with myself about how I am feeling and validating myself. I also realize that stories, movies, and music were safe places were I could express feelings without punishment growing up in the family that I did, which is why I think they speak to me strongly and why I am sensitive to really stressful ones (stories/movies mainly).
I was happy to honor the celebration of a friend who played a part in my own healing at his wedding in Raleigh this weekend. However, I think going forward, I’m not sure I will attend weddings on my own again !
This week in class, I was basically sort of kicked out. Looking back, I think subconsciously I wanted to go home, but on the surface, I was just very annoyingly trying to stay present in class. I am not sick, but lately I’ve noticed that being on campus is triggering a lot of allergy-like symptoms for me: runny nose, clearning throat, sneezing, very light coughing. So last night in class I kept clearning my throat, probably twice every minute and it was not quiet. During a break, I tried to run and grab something warm to drink, as I knew some warm liquid would calm down my throat. But also ! My nose was super runny. I had tissues, but I did not realize blowing my nose would be so loud. So I blew my nose a bit in class, and then I had to step outside to blow my nose because I did not want to disrupt the presentation. And then, because I was drinking so many liquids during class, I kept needing to step outside to use the bathroom. During my 2nd time using the bathroom, my teacher told me to go home. I can’t recall everything she said, but she shook her had, as if in disapproval, and I did not know what else to do except apologize and leave. But as I was leaving, she kindly waved and wished that I would feel better soon, so all of that was confusing. I definitely feel guilty. My intention was not to be disruptive if I was, as I was trying my best to stay present but it was difficult. I just can’t help feeling some shame in how I was asked to leave. I technically won’t see this professor again for 2 weeks since our next 2 classes will be over zoom. I hope I have enough courage to ensure that I was not marked absent yesterday, I think that is what is making me feel bad too – that I will chicken out in asking that I not be marked absent because I was there most of the class time. (And an edit… my professor reached out to me on her own the next day and actually ended up apologizing and marking me as present in class)
I went to see another ENT doctor again for a chronic issue I have been having. He mentioned and observed something about me that I had never noticed before. While he gave me something to try to manage symptoms (and I have yet to see if they will really work in the long-term), there is something about myself that I want to try and pay attention to better going forward.
During one of my days working out at the school gym, I noticed a couple people in the dance studios dancing and I almost felt the urge to cry. As a child, I LOVED dancing. I can’t fully recall when I stopped. The most I can remember is feeling embarrassed in my sophomore dancing class more out of peer pressure even though I really wanted to dance. When I had friends that would join me for swing dancing pre-COVID, that was SO fun for me. I am not really at a point in life where I can pay for dance classes, but maybe there are some things I can look up on YouTube for now.
I can’t recall if I have reflected on this yet, but I wanted to briefly share about my adoration for Celtic music. I don’t think it was a music genre I ever expected myself to gain an immense interest in, but it just sounds so otherworldly and beautiful and enlivening to me – especially when I get to listen and watch it live ! It is one of the things that make me feel relaxed and make me feel like I can breathe a bit during this season of life, so I have been listening to this genre quite a lot lately.
More quotes from Parker J Palmer’s ‘A Hidden Wholeness’ that have been standing out to me:

“There is an old Hasidic tale that tells us how [letting the tension between reality and possibility break hearts open to justice, truth, and love] happen[s]. The pupil comes to the rebbe and asks, ‘Why does Torah tell us to ‘place these words upon your hearts’? Why does it not tell us to place these holy words in our hearts?’ The rebbe answers, ‘It is because as we are, our hearts are closed, and we cannot place the holy words in our hearts. So we place them on top of our hearts. And there they stay until, one day, the heart breaks, and the words fall in.’” -> Palmer shares this story a couple of times in this book, but it wasn’t until towards the end of the book where he shares it for the last time that I started to understand it. This last chapter was talking about tension and how for humans, it is difficult to hold tension (naturally). Black-and-white thinking and maintaining status quo is much more comfortable and feels less threatening. Our hearts really do need some breaking open (not breaking apart) to fully accept some truths and become more liberated. Shoving down these truths will not do the heart good, but having held tension long enough perhaps could lead to our hearts finally breaking open. It makes me think how also the job of a good therapist is not only to “hold space”, but that a manifestation of that is to “hold tensions” with the person they are doing therapy with.

“The soul is generous: it takes in the needs of the world. The soul is wise: it suffers without shutting down. The soul is hopeful: it engages the world in ways that keep opening our hearts. The soul is creative: it finds a path between realities that might defeat us and fantasies that are mere escapes. All we need to do is to bring down the wall that separates us from our own souls and deprives the world of the soul’s regenerative powers.” -> I don’t have a ton to say here, except that I really love how this paragraph is written, and that I feel like the soul that Palmer is talking about is the essence of how God designed each person to be (an essence that is inherently already connected to him)

This part is actually from a Mary Oliver poem that Palmer quotes:
“And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighting and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”
-> This is just such a beautiful poem. I kind of want to just take this poem as a prayer, that I would view people the way that Oliver describes and enjoy life as Oliver describes.

“As we embrace the simple fact of our mortality, we also embrace true self. Knowing with new clarity that the gift of life is ours only for a while, we choose to live ‘divided no more’ simply because it would be foolish not to. As we live into that choice, we see with new clarity that all life around us is ‘something precious to the earth,’ and we find more and more ways to honor the soul in ourselves and in every mortal creature.” -> This is Palmer’s closing paragraph of the book after he shares the Mary Oliver poem above. The first sentence of knowing our mortality leading to living a more authentic self is such a convicting truth bomb, in a somewhat ironic way. The idea is, then, that coming to terms with our own mortality leads to really honoring ourselves and others more. I just hope I can also reach this kind of life outlook as I continue to age myself.