the heart as it is | courage • grief • beauty

Having just turned 33, I have been self-reflecting on many things. This post includes my usual reflections along with things I have been thinking about since turning 33.

Things I have been learning about Yahweh:

• Lately, I have decided to do a big purging on my christian/worship playlist on Spotify. I have had 500+ songs on it, and my thought process behind getting rid of songs has a lot to do with knowing the theological stances of the churches of the bands releasing the songs, the theological stances of the lyrics, and just not really vibing with the song anymore. I am still in the process of getting rid of some songs, but it is becoming less frequent that I find myself deleting songs. What I have been noticing about the majority of the remaining songs though is that they all tend to be kind of slower paced and mellow. The faith communities I had been a part of for a good chunk of my life had a lot of just fast and loud songs. I will say though there are plenty of beautiful faith communities who worship similarly in ways that are true to many aspects of their stories. However, for the churches I had been a part of, sometimes it felt like being loud for loud’s sake. All in all, I guess what I am also trying to say is that having stepped away from those particular communities (mostly), I am trying to rediscover what faith would look like if it weren’t so bent on only wanting to belong, and what it would look like to think and live critically of my faith. And also thinking about what kinds of practices and disciplines help me really connect to who and what God is genuinely and deeply, without being shamed or just following something because everyone around me seems to be doing it.
• In all honesty, I am still trying to figure out again my rhythms with regards to my spirituality and faith. It all became really on the backburner during my last year of grad school (which I continue to question was a good idea or not to be doing because of the financial sacrifices my husband and I have had to make). My thoughts toward God and scripture have changed much over the past few years, and I am still on a journey how practicing my faith will look, well, practically. This is what letting go of certainty looks like I guess.

Things I have been learning about others:

• I had this thought first when we were travelling through Norway. We were on what I would call a tram in Bergen, and there were a group of young girls sitting beside us as we were heading back to the airport to leave. For a good chunk of my trip, I kept thinking about how different the people and culture are. And while there are true points to this thought, I saw one of the girls on the tram take her hair claw and clip it to the bottom of her shirt while she adjusted her hair – which is exactly what I do so frequently and strangely enough, I have never seen anyone else in my own area do that. It was kind of a neat moment for me because it just reminded me of our common humanity and also common girlhood.
• Something I’ve appreciated about this current generation is the change of current fashion trends. For example, I really appreciate how skinny jeans are not in anymore. They were never very comfortable and also not very body forward, as our legs weren’t meant to be squeezed for so long. At most we wear tighter pants for the gym, so I am glad the more comfortable jeans are in style again.

Things I have been learning about the world:

• I am in the process of reading Robin Wall Kimmerer’s “Braiding Sweetgrass” and am overall enjoying it so far. It’s been a lovely reminder that although we are human, we are also animals and also part of nature. When I watched the movie Hoppers recently, I was thinking of this book. It makes me really want to plant a garden although with our current living situation we cannot really do that yet. So for the time being, we are just planting small plants – basil, tomatoes, marigolds, and succulents. Easy stuff to take care of overall, although I spaced the tomatoes, basil, and marigolds too closely together resulting in fungus on the tomatoes… but this is how I learn.

Things I have been learning about myself:

• From the Europe trip, I realized how calming it was and how good of a wind-down routine it ultimately was to be editing my photos at the end of a day. It was almost like a mindfulness activity, and it reminded me why I really got into photography in the first place – to capture beauty in a way that people can feel what I felt witnessing certain scenery. I don’t get out enough as often as I used to for photography, but it’s something I’ve been wanting to yearn for a while again now that grad school is over.
• Another thing I have been realizing about myself, especially with the people-oriented career change I am making, is that having breakfast at work is a bad idea for me personally! Breakfast is my slow and peaceful start to the day, and I need to have things be peaceful and quiet and uninterrupted (mostly uninterrupted anyways, as I love having breakfast at coffee shops, too). It is better to be eating breakfast at home for me, and also better in terms of being able to clean my teeth immediately after eating.
• For some reason at this birthday, I have been noticing and thinking about my aging more than before. I think I first noticed it when my husband and I were trying to find small groups more local to us, and realized that the young adult groups we were visiting were all people fresh out of college, which makes us a decade older than them. We have found a group that is a bit closer to our age and life stage now, but even then, I can’t help but pay a lot more attention to my age lately. Especially with working with the college population – which I enjoy working with – even though sometimes in my mind I may still feel like I’m 25, I really am not anymore because these students look so young to me. In addition to being hyper aware of my age, I’m also noticing it a bit more in my appearance – mainly through more sunspots showing up on my face and hands, and very slow developments of wrinkles. I only have a basic skincare routine and I think my tendency is to be nervous about this, but I am trying to let this all humble me. I also know that even with some insecurities I still have, I have been the most comfortable and confident in myself at this point in my life, and I know it will only improve.
• I am wondering if other people in mental health programs have felt like what I am about to share. While I really appreciated my counseling grad program and the professors, I feel like grad school honestly extinguished the fire I originally had. I think it was due to the irony of mental health being all about taking care of people, but not really feeling taken care of the institutions that teach and license us – especially as I am waiting for an APCC number and job searching. There are moments and glimmers of that passion that come back here and there, but I think I have just been tired/burnt out with financial difficulties.
• In line with the above reflection, I keep having this tugging feeling to go back to Taiwan. Not to go back and live there or anything, but I feel like some switch was turned when I went back last summer, making me not entirely ready when I returned for grad school last fall. It almost feels like something is incomplete, and I need to go back and find something. The most I can think of with regards to this is that it has taken pretty much 15 years to deal with my internalized racism and learn to appreciate my heritage culture again. I used to be so proud of it, and maybe I am just feeling like I need to make up for last time? I’m not sure – this is something I will likely keep processing.
• Long story short, I have a condition that has an easy but somewhat controversial (in my opinion) treatment (not cure, sadly). For years I have not been wanting to go this specific treatment route, but for immediate relief, I am deciding to try it out. I don’t know how my body will react, but it’s really opened my eyes to how people feel when talking with them about meds, especially as a budding therapist. Accepting and learning about meds really is a journey, and I am really beginning to develop the empathy that joint curiosity is actually what is most helpful like pretty much all of the time.

Thanks for reading !